MF ROOSTER

You ever roll over and wake up in the morning,  and feel like you're in the Twilight Zone?!  That happened to me the other morning. Soo, I was out in the streets,  went to a party that started at 3am, and got home at 6am. I hop in my bed to watch the sun come up and what do I hear?! A MF ROOSTER!!!

UHH, first of all, did I just teleport to a farm?! I felt like i should go milk a cow or punch somebody in the face! That sound is like nails on a chalkboard. Especially at 6am on a Sunday!!!

My initial thought was, is that a dog? (I'm a city girl,  don't judge me) Then, the noise just kept going.  Why am I hearing a MF ROOSTER outside my window?!  Who just has a MF ROOSTER in their neighborhood, in the backyard?!  Y'all, I was so irritated.

Who does this?! Who says, "Imma get a MF ROOSTER and put it in my backyard?!"  This is just a whole new brand of Foolery! Y'all, I caint. Everytime I hit my snooze button, I gotta hear that MF ROOSTER, like "nah GET UP!"

Mr. Coffee

Dear Coffee Person,

When I pull up in the morning and ask for a White Chocolate Mocha Grande with a cheese danish, don't get all snippy and try to correct me by asking if I want a Grande White Chocolate Mocha. FIRST OF ALL, it's entirely too early for your foolishness, and I have not had my coffee yet- WHY I AM HERE.  And, if I said it incorrectly, you know what I meant, stop being a jerk.  I need my caffeine and you just ruined my excitement for my White Chocolate Mocha Grande (eye roll).  I'm still gonna drink it though, whatever.

Okay ya'll, so when I get up to the window, they don't have my stuff together?  Wait what?  I'm sorry, did I throw you off with my placement of "grande?!" Now, Mr. Snippy on the speaker can't figure out how to relay the orders? Uuggh, and I know it's not the girl fault at the window. Now she gotta ask me to repeat my order, and here we go again..."did you say, Grande White Chocolate Mocha?"  (exhale).  It's too early ya'll.  I caint, I haven't even had my coffee yet.  Can you please just give me my bread and coffee, whipp cream it up and let me live?!

"PETTY 17'"

So in light  of this year (the one called "Petty 17'") I thought I'd write about the things folks do that are considered "petty." I am guilty of these behaviors-I can admit it.  If you catch me on the right day, "petty" is my first, middle, and last name (well maybe first and middle name, because Petty P Walker has a nice ring to it).  My bad, I got sidetracked...Anyway where was I?

Oh, so in honor of "Petty 17,'" I'll list a few things folks do that are deemed petty behaviors. I'm not saying I do these things. I'm not even judging, because sometimes I do these things.  Wait what?? I'm just pointing these pettylike things out. So, if you do these things...YOU ARE PETTY:
 
1. Respond to long text or emails with "k" or a thumbs up, and sometimes don't even bother to make it color specific.  This basically says," I could really give two f's about what you just said, and I really didn't care to take the time to type a full response, or choose the color specific thumb to match me, because it, and you was too much of a hassle."   PETTY.

2. When you see a pic on social media you don't like, and you hit the like button. You're not being nice. You're merely pointing out the fact that you saw the pic. Like if your man likes his ex pic and you come right behind and like it too. You don't like her, she know you don't like her, and he know he had no business. So now, ya'll all know you saw the pic. YOU PETTY.

3. If you are holding the door for someone, and they don't say, "thank you."  So then, you let the next door go and close in their face. Or even better-or worse...when you see somebody running to catch the elevator, and you press the door close button. YOU EXTRA PETTY.

4. When you pack up all your stuff and take everything, including the purple coffee maker (because you paid for it)...And the water container with the extra filters, because Jackass was already thirsty.  PETTY, PETTY, PETTY.

5. Last, but not least, when you post a meme and tag the person it's about with a "I won't mention any names, but..." PETTY AS HELL.

Every now and then, it's ok to be petty. We all have our moments. Besides it is "Petty 17'," so if you can't be petty now, when?!

"Danger Zone"

I am a firm supporter of personal space.  Anybody who knows me, knows this.   I cannot stand when somebody is in my "danger zone."  I know, here I go with these terms, but just bear with me for a second.  Let's define "danger zone" shall we?  The "danger zone" is anywhere around me within reach.  So if I put my arms out and do a 360 degree spin, and I hit you, you are too close.  I don't know why I'd be someplace just twirling around, but go with it.

Now, I realize in some countries it is acceptable to just be in the "danger zone," because I took French and Spanish, and I go places.  But this is not the instance I am referring to.  Usually, in those situations, the people are actually having conversations and chances are they know each other.  What I am talking about is when you are out in public, standing in line at the grocery store (eye roll), or any place where there is a line.

It's that moment where you go to adjust yourself (or your life depending on the type of day you've had because TRAFFIC) and you realize someone is standing in that "danger zone.  If I don't know you, never seen you before in my life, please stay out of my "danger zone."  This applies especially if you are a dude and we standing in line to pay for stuff, because now, we go together.  We might as well put our groceries together, you pay, I get my stuff, and we say our goodbyes at the door.  You just sucked up all my air, or even worse, burned the back of my neck with your hot breath.  So, the least you can do is buy groceries.

Now, I have petty friends ( I won't name names, but you know who you are) who will accidentally on purpose throw an elbow to remind said person, they are too close.  Had this person been outside of the "danger zone" they wouldn't have caught that bow that caused that sharp pain in their chest, so on and so forth.  I don't know where else that scenario goes, but it's simple mathematics.  If one stays out of the danger zone, one does not catch an elbow.

"Got me a check"

You ever go to the grocery store, and get stuck behind the only person in life who still writes a check at the grocery store?! With my extensive banking experience, I almost wanna say, ya'll might as well go ahead and lock her up now.  Unless you are super old, you're paying a bill, or you just forgot your debit card, there is no reason for you to be writing checks at the grocery store.  None. That is right in that category of paying with 100 pennies (money is money, but you irritating- insert face). 

It's bad enough, I already don't like wondering around this place trying to find stuff.  I swear on everything, EVERYTIME I go to the grocery store they've moved something around.  So now I have to push the sqeaky cart ( because I didn't go to the "good" grocery store)  looking for bread that has been moved from aisle 6 to aisle 2 since 3 days ago.  I don't even want it anymore.  Now, I'm looking for the cereal, and what do you know, I find the f*cking bread!

By the time I get all the stuff from the treasure hunt, all I wanna do is GET OUT.  I  wait in line and I watch this lady just stand there a good 5 mins +, without making any motion to even began to pull out a check.  Seriously?! So, now I'm stuck between her and the person who doesn't understand personal space breathing down my neck (topic for another day).  I don't know this lady's life.  Maybe, for the benefit of the doubt she did leave her debit card- or whatever? But, if you are going to write a check at the grocery store, at least have the stuff filled out, so all you have to fill in is the dollar amount.  It will save us all a whole lot of time and sanity.

Move B...

Hey ya'll. So I've been trying to work on my road rage lately. I swear folks get in their cars during rush hour and go 10mph on the highway because they just feel like it. Like, you don't have anywhere to go?!  If you don't, stay your *ss off the road during rush hour!!! Like I said, I've been trying to work on the rage. That means I'm making an attempt to get to the point of starting my work (don't judge me).

I just be in the car so irritated when traffic is backed up for miles, and then, all of a sudden there is this magical clearing. Like wtf just happened?! Where is the anything on the side of the road that caused the backup? Then you realize, there was nothing.  I repeat....NOTHING!  There was just those 4 or 5 people going 25mph on the highway.  OMG.

Then there are the other folks on the road.  Look, if you know your exit is 2 miles down, and its on the right. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT wait until you are a mile away to try and cross over 6 lanes to get off.  No one wants to let you over, because everyone is annoyed with you.  You are the reason folks throw up their hands in that universal, "seriously" motion.

It's gotten so bad that I'm screaming at folks in the car like they can hear me. It's like the horn is not enough. The beep is too small and in these situations, I need something rude and loud. I wish my horn just said, "MOVE B GET OUT THE WAY!" But it doesn't, and I'm stuck screaming in my car (sigh). It's so bad ya'll I feel like I need a road rage support group.  I'm stressed just thinking about it. What happened to those flying cars?!  I think at this point I'd settle for a unicorn with wings.

Manbabies

Ok, so here I am single. I think for the first time ever in my adult life.  For some strange reason, I keep running into "manbabies."  Some of ya'll are probably wondering, Ms. Walker what is a "manbaby?"  Well in a nutshell, it is grown man that acts like a child.  These are the guys who wait for other people to fix their problems. The other people are usually "Mama and daddy."

Now, if you run into a "manbaby," one must know how to recognize a few of the signs. Trust me, I know from years of experience (ie. the one known as Jackass):

1. Manbabies sometimes have jobs (surprise surprise), but for some reason beyond their understanding they always have issues with their job, and everybody that works there. Please keep in mind in every scenario there is only one constant...HIM.

2. Manbabies might even pay their bills, on time too (go figure) but if they fall short, no worries because, "Mama and daddy got it."

3. Manbabies don't feel like they should ever accept responsibility, because they are perfect. Their Mama told them so (you should know, I'm rolling my whole eyes).

4. Manbabies don't know how to prioritize. Groceries or beer, guess what the choice is? That's right beer, because, well "Mama and daddy..."

Sometimes it's easy to spot a manbaby, but other times these dudes be out here fooling folks.  When they first start off they do everything right.  But, if you pay attention, everything eventually falls apart. The representative quits, and you're left with TADAAAA... Manbaby! Congratulations on your bundle of joy!!! Should we bring diapers or wipes for the shower? Like for real, I need to know.