Time

Why is it when I am running late, everytime I go into the bathroom for anything, it's like going into a time warp?!  Like, I can go in for 2 mins. When I go into the warp, it's 6am. I come out, it should be 6:02am, instead it's 6:15am.  WTF happened?! I could just stand in the middle of the bathroom and do nothing- that's 6mins!

On the flip side, you ever get to work and feel like you've been there for 6 hours, and it's only been 10 mins? You check the time, it says 8:30am, look again 2 hours later, and the MF clock says...8:31am. Then, it's like WTF am I doing with my whole life?!  You start plotting on ways to quit for the next 10 mins and look at the clock...8:32am!!!

As I'm writing this, at work (because I'm plotting), only 3 mins have passed. Terrible.  It's so much worse when one has children.  The time warp is why parents are late getting places. It's the kids' warp.  There is a warp in the bathroom and one in kids' rooms.  They enter it somewhere between getting out of bed and putting clothes on (eye roll).

Sharing is Caring

So, nobody tells you when you have children, nothing is yours, not even a good 5 mins.  Candy and sweets don't even exist without a little person attached to it.  I swear, everytime I open a candy wrapper or, in my case, my orange cupcake wrapper these kids can hear that sound from outside. I can be upstairs calling their whole names- NOBODY HEARS! But, let me think about candy.  It's like these kids pop out of the wall.  Where did they come from?! Can't find a matching sock, but somehow manage everytime to find hidden candy.

Every mother who has children that can move knows the feeling when you go to the bathroom and hear some little person moving across the floor.  OMG that little shadow under the bathroom door-the DREAD!!!  These little humans don't care.  They don't care that you just need 5 mins to yourself to get your mind right to deal with them.  Had a long day at work? Don't care. Mommy too tired to see straight. Don't care, what's for dinner?  Then, they get to talking and my inner voice has a whole cussing out.

child: "What are you doing?"
head voice: "Minding my MF business..."

child: "Why?"
head voice: "Because I'm grown AF and I MF want to!"

Can't do that in real life though, because they are children. And nobody wants to get that phone call from the school.  Some too good teacher calling talking about, "Ms. Walker, I'm calling from such and such school to inform you that..."

head voice: "First of all..."

Now, you're a bad parent, because little humans don't come with instructions (eye roll).  Ion have time. These kids are #superpetty.

Dear Sallie

So when you are growing up, everybody is like, "yeah you should go to college and get a degree. That'll give you a good job, and you can make a lot of money."  First of all...LIES!!!   Knowing what I know now, I don't regret going to college (hell I did it 2 times) but I wish I was smarter about the financial part.  Like MF student loans!  

Everytime I think about Sallie Mae I'm mad.  Me and Sallie ain't friends and she get on my whole nerve. Then I think, if Sallie Mae were a person, what type of person would she be (because I don't have good sense, and ya'll know this).  This is what I came up with.

If Sallie were a person, she'd be a deadbeat daddy trying to claim his kids on his taxes.  All year long you do next to nothing for your kids, but you think you supposed to get money back for daycare fees and living expenses (petty).

Sallie Mae is like the best/worse madam. She is like, "yeah I'll give you everything you want, all you gotta do is pay me back when you making that big money."  And you be like, "yeah Sallie good looking out."  You get your degree and you start your new job at...McDonald's. Then you say, "hey Sallie, ion have your money, that degree I got didn't get that job, can you give me a break?" Sallie be like, "nah, I need my money. You can pay me today or I can add more interest and you can pay me everything next year."

Then, if you don't pay, Sallie be like Rihanna, "B*tch better have my money." If you don't, guess what?  Sallie is shutting down everything.  You can't get no house, no car, no nothing.  Sallie start taking your WHOLE tax returns like Debo. Now, your mama "living at home with you."

New Year, New Me, Or Nah?

Sooo, welcome to the new year! We made it to 2018!  Yay!!!  In my reflection of this year, I'm trying to figure out what this year will be called.  Last year was the year of petty #petty17.  So this year, hmm, what should I call it?!  I've decided, for me, this is the year of travel.  Out in 18?!  I dunno, I'll keep working on that.  Anyway...

You know how folks be like, "yeah this year, Imma do blah blah blah?!"  Yeah, we grown now, if you didn't do it the past 5 years, it's not happening.  Stoppit.  Just be real, and say something along the lines of, "this year Imma be the same me. Maybe a new improved version, or nah, or whatever?!"  Nobody really cares which way you go.  It's the new year, folks say a LOT of stuff at the start of the year.  Holla at me in June.

On top of these resolution lies, you have the folks always cutting people off.  Every year though?! Why are you cutting off people every year?  At what point do you just accept the fact that maybe, you're the problem?  How do you find so many people to cut off?  I don't even know enough people to keep cutting off.  So many questions!

Granted, some folks are on my FU list, but I don't keep adding folks to cut them off.  I barely like people, so maybe it's just me?  All that being said...I think this year Imma just be me.  That simple. It's easy, and I can't stop being me.  And all those folks who don't like it, can go to my cut off list.  #stillpetty18.